HappyFit Coaching

We’re supposed to be grateful for the blessings we receive every day, but when someone cuts you off in traffic (and flips you the bird to boot), when you have to pitch in fifty dollars for your evil boss’s birthday gift, and when your partner forgets (again) to pick up the potatoes you needed for tonight’s dinner…let’s just say that the only thing you’re grateful for is that you haven’t had a full-blown meltdown.

Get a Gratitude Boost

If your happiness is being derailed by feelings that the world is against you, stop and think about, say, a magazine you like to read. To get this magazine into your hands, dozens of writers, editors, fact-checkers, and proofreaders wrote and polished the articles; people at the utilities company sent heat and electricity to the magazine’s headquarters; people designed, built, packaged, transported, and sold the computers that the magazine’s pages were created on; yet more workers created the ink and paper and printed the magazine; bookstore employees unpacked the boxes and shelved the magazine; workers at the Mint printed the money used to buy the magazine. Hundreds of strangers worked countless hours in order for you to enjoy that magazine.

Feeling more grateful now?

The exercise above is part of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (NYE-kahn). The basic structure of Naikan therapy involves asking yourself three questions:

1. What did I receive from others today?
2. What have I given to others today?
3. What troubles and difficulties did I cause others today?

The beauty of this exercise is that you can do it anywhere, you can focus on current activities or past events, and you can reflect on different people in your life.

Though Naikan wasn’t designed as a mental health exercise, Japanese therapists have found that Naikan therapy does help treat mental health issues from addiction to anxiety. Recent research has proved Naikan’s effectiveness in these areas: 65 percent of participants in a 2004 study were less depressed after intensive Naikan therapy, and a 2005 study concluded that Naikan therapy is extremely effective for helping people with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.

After I first discovered Naikan and did this exercise, I was shocked to discover that (1) despite my constant carping about how the universe doesn’t conform to my expectations, I’m being nurtured and served by thousands of people, animals, and things; (2) if I were to create a pie chart, the section for “Linda receives” would dwarf the tiny slice that says “Linda gives”; and (3) I cause inconvenience to others in a multitude of ways, from holding up a line of cars while digging for change at the toll booth to ousting a cat from its sleeping place so I can sit down.

After doing daily Naikan for a few weeks, I found my attitude slowly changing. Instead of asking my husband to fetch something I had left downstairs, I considered how doing so would inconvenience him and trotted downstairs myself. When a pizza arrived at our door with the wrong toppings, rather than focusing on the one thing that had gone wrong, I marveled at all the things that had gone right in the world to bring a fresh pizza to our home — and all I needed to do for this miracle to happen was pick up the phone and call. More and more gratitude was infusing my life, and it was affecting how I related to others.

A Question of Thankfulness

Thinking about what others have done for you creates a sense of gratitude, which is at the heart of Naikan. “When we receive something on a regular basis, we tend to disconnect from any appreciation for it,” says Gregg Krech, a leading authority on Naikan in the U.S. and author of Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection. “We normally only remember how important something is when we no longer have it, from hot water in the shower to a loved one who has died. The process of reflecting on things we’ve received is a wonderful practice for creating gratitude.”

But why bother with reflecting on how you’ve inconvenienced others unless you want to give yourself a guilt complex? “The third question ties into gratitude in a really profound and spiritual way,” says Krech. “We can recognize that we’ve received things and even appreciate those things, but still have the sense that we earned or deserve them. When we reflect on the third question of Naikan, we become aware of the mistakes we’ve made and the suffering and trouble we’ve caused to the world. The question really connects us to a grace and power beyond ourselves.”

According to Western psychology and Naikan critics, guilt is a Bad Thing to be avoided, but Krech sees guilt as a positive force. “If you’ve caused suffering to another person and feel guilty, that’s a healthy thing,” Krech says. By recognizing your place in the world and how your actions affect others, you’ll make a conscious effort to give back to the world as much as you receive from it. Every action has consequences, after all, so you should recognize that and act accordingly. “If a prisoner was released from prison and moved down the block from you, wouldn’t you feel better if he had a sense of guilt instead of a high self esteem?”

A Gratitude Makeover

I thought that after practicing Naikan, I’d be a different woman — maybe a vegan who wears hemp clothes and quits her job to build houses for the poor. But I checked the mirror and I looked the same — no halo. (And I still eat meat, wear leather, and lack building skills.) “Most of the people I interviewed for the book have changed since practicing Naikan…but they realized that other people noticed it, not necessarily themselves,” says Ozawa-de Silva. Only after hearing this did I realize that friends have commented that I seem calmer and more energetic.

Although I don’t feel as saint-like as I had expected, gratitude has affected my life in small and wonderful ways. I send thank-you notes to the bookstore manager who lets me work in the café all day, to the waiter at my favorite restaurant who made me chicken korma for lunch even though it isn’t on the lunch menu, to the company that printed my beautiful new business cards. I focus on the many things that go right instead of the few things that go wrong. I let people ahead of me in line at the grocery store, refrain from freaking out when someone cuts me off in traffic (yes, this is a big deal for me), and hold the door open for people behind me even when they’re twenty feet away. I think about the people who worked to bring me, say, the cocoa I’m drinking, the milk in the cocoa, the mug I’m drinking out of — and also about how I can even out the score by serving others.

Do Try This at Home

Use these Naikan tips and exercises from Gregg Krech, founder of the ToDo Institute, to create a life full of gratitude.

• Do daily Naikan. Take 30 minutes at the end of each day to ask yourself the three Naikan questions, spending 10 minutes on each question. You can reflect on your day or another period of time, or on a particular person. List your answers in a journal.
• Be specific. Avoid generalities when answering the three questions. Instead of writing that your husband helped you today, write down exactly what he did: that he took your skirt to the drycleaner so you wouldn’t have to, paid the bills so you would have light, and so on. Rather than noting that your sister drove you to the doctor, calculate how much time she took out of her workday, how much gas she used, and how much money she ended up spending on this task.
• Eat with gratitude. Try this exercise: Before every bite of a meal, silently thank one person who was responsible for bringing the food to your plate, from the farmer who grew the wheat to the person who bagged your food at the grocery store.
• Send a note. At the end of a week of doing daily Naikan, go over your list and send a thank you note to one person for something specific that she gave you or did for you.
• Practice garbage Naikan. Just as you’re about to toss something into the trash or recycling bin, thank it for serving you. For example, thank a can for keeping your favorite iced tea from going stale, and thank that empty ink cartridge for helping you create so many documents for work.

Last week I attended the first session of a group therapy stress reduction course. When the man across from me shared how his marriage was falling apart, I sniffled. When the woman next to him described her travails with chronic pain, fat tears rolled down my cheeks. By the time we got to the woman whose unborn baby needed open heart surgery, people were passing me wads of Kleenex.

I’m an intuitive empath.

Judith Orloff, MD, author of Positive Energy, coined the term “intuitive empath” to mean someone “so sensitive and giving, not only does her heart go out to others, she actually absorbs their stress and negativity into her body like a sponge,” she says. “This can cause exhaustion, depression, anxiety and diagnoses such as chronic fatigue.” Excessive empathy can even cause weight gain as women eat to escape others’ pain.

Women who are intuitive empaths — and women make up the majority of this type — may be affected by everything from people’s bad moods to disturbing newscasts. “The news makes me cry,” says Sandra Beckwith of Fairport, NY. “I don’t watch those ‘real women’ stories on Lifetime because they’re too upsetting.” Even watching another person make an embarrassing mistake can make us blush and run for cover. “I have to leave the room if my husband is on the phone so I don’t have to hear him if he stumbles over a word,” says Sandy Shannon of New York City. “Heaven forbid my husband should make a devastating mistake like stumble over a word.”

Scientists are coming to the conclusion that we’re hardwired to feel others’ pain. In one experiment, research patients undergoing brain surgery while awake saw a researcher “accidentally” prick his finger. The pain region of the brain fired just as it did when the subject pricked his own finger.

Of course, empathy can be a wonderful thing. “Empathy allows you to feel all the beautiful things in life, and they’re amped up,” says Orloff. It’s when you can’t separate yourself from others’ negative emotions that there’s a problem. Says life coach Rebecca “Kiki” Weingarten, MScEd, MSA, “It’s almost like getting caught in a thunderstorm. It’s sunny, then suddenly there’s wind and rain and you have no shelter. Then you can even get hit by lightning. You’re soaking and burned…on an emotional level.”

So if you, like me, are an intuitive empath, how can you keep from getting rained on emotionally?

Write It Out

Weingarten suggests that women delve into their journals to figure out why other people’s emotions affect them so much. In the case of Sandy Shannon, who can’t bear to hear her husband on the phone, Weingarten says, “Some of the questions she might tackle in the journal would be, ‘Why do I feel so uncomfortable? What will happen if he does make a major blooper? Am I afraid that that reflects on me and my choice of a spouse — and if it does, how? And why is it important to me that people think x, y, or z about me and my spouse?’”

Weingarten suggest dividing your journal page into four parts. The first part is where you describe the offense (say, your boss came to work in a bad mood and sniped at you, and it ruined your day). The second part is for determining how much of the problem was you (did you let the bad mood get to you more than you should have? did you respond to the sniping?) and the third part is for describing how much of the problem was the other person (did she take out her bad mood on you, an innocent bystander?). Finally, in the fourth section you describe how you can deal with the problem next time (perhaps you can talk to your boss about how her bad moods negatively affect your productivity).

Practice Self-Care

Eat a healthy diet, get good rest, and minimize stress. “When you’re in good shape you’re less likely to take on other people’s stress,” says Orloff. “Also, realize that you can be a good friend without talking on other people’s problems — this makes a positive shift in attitude so you’re less likely to be drained.”

Beware the Energy Vampires

Energy vampires include the Sob Sister who buffets you with her tales of woe and the Drama Queen who turns every situation into a spectacle of major proportions. “Set boundaries: a kind but firm ‘no’ is a way of protecting your energy,” says Orloff. For example, you can tell your Sob Sister friend, “I love you, but I can only talk for five minutes.”

It’s not easy, but if you feel like you got run over by a truck, emotionally, whenever you talk to a certain person, you may need to say sayonara. If it’s impossible to sever ties completely, you can simply have less to do with the person, or talk to him or her only when you’re feeling strong so you have the energy to deal with the negative vibes. Or try having a frank talk with the Vampire. “Tell them, ‘That kind of talk is getting me down,’” says Weingarten.

Put Up a Shield

Orloff suggests visualizing a protective bubble around yourself that keeps out negativity and stress. “Visualize a surrounding cocoon of white light that forms a barrier around every inch of you and keeps you from getting harmed,” she says. “If you can’t get away from something negative, the bubble is good to use because no one knows you’re using it.”

Leave Space

If you’re stuck in a place full of people giving off negative energy — think airports or doctors’ waiting rooms — leave space between yourself and others, suggests Orloff. Try putting something on the seat next to you to discourage others from sitting there, or, if you have to, get up and walk around.

Don’t Dawdle

If you’re an intuitive empath, don’t feel that you have to lock yourself in a lead-lined room to escape bad energy. Protect yourself with these expert tips and you’ll learn to face negativity without absorbing it.

Quiz: Am I an Intuitive Empath? (reprinted with permission from Positive Energy)

Ask  yourself:

* Have I been labeled as overly sensitive?

* If a friend is distraught or in physical pain, do I start feeling it, too?

* Am I drained in crowds, going out of my way to avoid them?

* Do I get anxious in packed elevators, airplanes, or subways?

* Am I hypersensitive to noise, scents, or excessive talking?

* When I see gruesome newscasts, does my energy plummet?

* Do I get burned out by groups, require lots of time alone to revive?

If you answer “yes” to one of these questions, it’s likely you’re being enervated by empathy. Responding “yes” to every question suggests that empathy is compromising your energy.

I originally wrote this article for Body + Soul (now Whole Living), but it was killed when the magazine changed direction. Now I finally get to use it!